Countdown begins.....again

The countdown for Chris to leave has begun in my head…..for the second time.  Originally he was suppose to leave a few weeks ago but his orders were moved around and he is here for a while longer, which I’m more than thrilled about.  The only downfall to that is I have to go through the countdown all over again and judging on how I was doing last time…..um, I see tears and feeling overwhelmed just around the corner but I’m trying to be logical about everything and just take one day at a time.  

Something you should know about me…..I worry about the ‘what ifs’ and the ‘how do I’s’.  For example: What if Kennedy is sick and I have to take several days off work? What if I’m not able to manage everything on my own? What if I fall apart? Or…..How will I fit all of my daily activities into each day without help? How will I fit going to the gym in? How will I make sure that I’m giving Kennedy the amount of love and attention she needs? How do I stay balanced enough to juggle our lives for more than a year? 

And after I read what I just wrote I automatically start to feel overwhelmed and wonder ‘How can I do this?’  But because I’m feeling logical today <wink> I can tell myself to not worry about all of that and that everything will fall into place.  I can tell myself that I will get through this year fine and that Kennedy and I will adjust.  I can tell myself that there is nothing to worry about and that I will fit everything in…it may not be grace but I will make it all happen.  HOWEVER, catch me on a day where I’m feeling emotional and all bets are off!!!  So friends, you will never know which Mel you are going to get on any given day…..logical or emotional.  I will strive to be logical but I can’t make any promises.  I’m human and I wear my emotions on my sleeve….I have since I was a kid and I’ve tried to change it and it just doesn’t work =)

So………when Chris’ original date was set for January I decided to send out an email to just a handful of people explaining where I was and how they could help me through this transition since most of my friends were asking ‘How can I help?’.  My thought was that I didn’t want to send it out to the masses because I just wasn’t ready to say all those words and make the deployment a reality.  It’s funny how you can force yourself to believe something isn’t going to happen if you filter who you share the information with.  I thought ‘If I tell too many people then it will truly be real!’  But DUH it is real and it is happening so why filter my thoughts?!?

I have since decided to post that email in my blog because you are all part of my life.  We may not talk every day, we may only share comments on Facebook, we may have not have seen each other in years OR I may see you all the time and you are wondering how I’m dealing with everything……so here goes nothing kids.

As you all know Chris and I have been preparing for his upcoming deployment and many of you have asked how you can support our family through this transition so I thought it would be helpful to send an email about where my head is at and how you can all support me.  

Great idea, right? 

Well as I thought more and more about it I figured out that I have no clue how you can best support me because this is the first time he is deploying since we have been married and it’s the first time a child has been involved.   I have gone over this 100 times in my head and I keep asking myself ‘How do I prepare for this? How do I allow everyone around me to help me but not feel like a huge burden? How do I show up every day with a good attitude? How do I show Kennedy that Mom is ok? How do I make sure she remembers her Daddy? How do I keep them connected? How do we stay connected? How, how, how?!?!’  And I’m at a loss……

Super helpful, right?

One thing that I do know is that I have the greatest friends a girl could ask for and because of that I already feel supported.  It’s important for me that life goes on just as it would if Chris was here.  Chris would want it that way and Kennedy and I will need it that way.  It’s ok for you to ask me questions…I’m an open book….really, I am. You are more than welcome to talk to Kennedy about her Daddy….please feel free to bring him into any conversation, as she needs to hear about him.  Be prepared for me to cry at random times and to not cry at the moments you think I will cry…..I’m nutty like that.  If I do cry….it’s ok for you to cry too.  I like hugs….so give them whenever you want.  I also like Starbucks….scratch that….I love Starbucks.  Sometimes I like the silence so if we are visiting and I’m quiet, please know it’s not because I’m mad or don’t want to be with you…..it’s because I want to be with you but just don’t feel like speaking……sometimes just having someone in the room is all I will need. Sometimes I will down play Chris being gone and pretend like it’s no biggie…..just go with it….it’s me trying to be strong =) At times I may not be able to see past my world…..gently and lovingly bring me back to reality. Sometimes I will ask if you want to hang out and you won’t be able to….that is OK….remember, life as usual…..treat me the same as you would if Chris was home! Do not feel like you can’t tell me about your life and what is going on in it….I want to hear about everything…..my life is not worse or better than yours….it’s the same just different =) If you need me to watch your kids….just call….I enjoy all of your kids and would be honored to have them over for some play time with Kennedy.  If you get upset with me for something…..respectfully call me out on it….we are friends right? 

Do you see the pattern???  Life and friendships as usual.

Apparently I do know a few things that would help us =)

Something that most of you know is that I’m not a very religious person, but I do believe in God (this may not make sense to you and that is ok).  I do believe in the power of prayer to whoever or whatever you like to call your God.  I ask that you send as many prayers, words of intent, positive energies or simple statements on behalf of Chris while he is away.  I don’t care what he does while he is gone, I don’t care where he goes, I don’t care if this experience changes him for the rest of his life……what I do care about is that he makes it home on the same two feet that got him out there. I pray his soul is not forever changed and I pray he will come home unharmed and outwardly the same wonderful guy that I married.

The only thing I will ask that you not do is call me to tell me about some explosion or disaster that has happened in Iraq.  I do not watch the news for a reason and trust me, if something happens to Chris I will be notified within 4 hours.  More than likely I will know before the news…….so…..let’s all agree to not discuss what we see on the news with this girl =)

Just by posting this email I feel better about where I am in this process.  I truly feel that this blog is going to be my outlet and I’m thrilled to have it and thrilled that you are all so supportive.  Seriously, how did I end up this blessed?

Oh and here some pictures so you can all match a face with the name of the hubs!!  Also, I think it's nice to see us together as a family.  Mind you we dont have many pictures because Chris works A LOT so most of the pictures I have are of me and Kennedy...but here are a few =)

Engagement picture.  Small doggie is Mugsy. Big doggie is Daisy.

Picture taken at a BBQ right after we bought our 2nd house.  He had just gotten off work.....clearly.

New Years Eve 07......not sober.

Visit to Chicago to hang with our friends Larry and Tamara, who we met on our honeymoon and are still friends with to this day!

Not such a great pic of kennedy...but hey we are all together =)

I think this was taken on our 4th wedding anniversary....just last November.

Chris and Kennedy at a bday party