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Again…I’ve been gone longer than I expected. Time has gotten away from me and I’ve been focusing on everything and nothing at all.  Kennedy and I have 2 days left with Chris and he has 2 days left with us.  You may be wondering how we are doing and I’d say we are doing fine.  On the surface you would have no idea what we are about to face and I think we prefer it that way for right now.  I think we are both to a point of talking about it just irritates us.  But then again, look at what I’m doing right now….I’m talking about it.  Don’t get me wrong, it doesn’t irritate us when people ask us about how we are doing but I think it irritates us to talk about it to each other.  We have gone over the game plan for months and months and months.  I think if we discuss it one more time I’m going to lose my sh*t.  If I don’t know the answer to how to do X task, then I will just need to figure it out when the time comes.  Done and Done!

I have had so many calls and emails and cards sent in the mail to us and I appreciate ALL of them more than you know.  I can’t put into words how much I appreciate all of my friends and family.  And please know that I will come knocking on your door for help and I will call you when I need a friend to talk to.  I may even invite myself over for dinner and stay till bed time =)  Right now I don’t know what I want/need but as soon as I do I will be asking.

I have had a lot of people ask me ‘How do you do this?’ and I’ve always answered, ‘I do it because I have to and there is no other choice’ but I recently came across a website/blog written by other Army wives and this particular post sums up exactly why I do it.  Obviously some parts don’t pertain to me, like the fact that this woman use to be a soldier and she is headed into her husband’s 4^th deployment, but everything else basically rings true to me.

http://herwarhervoice.com/blog/?p=1317

I’ve gotta be honest, I’m having a hard time keeping up on my blog.  I feel like I want to dump all of my thoughts and feelings into this but I don’t want it to be viewed as me being an emotional wreck because that isn’t the case at all.  However, I don’t want to filter what I’m going through or what I’m feeling at that particular moment.  I’m trying to figure out a good balance between raw emotion and fun topics to write about so please have patience with me.

Update on office – it’s STILL not done.  Insert laugh here.  Another shelf needs to be added, a few paint touch ups and some small decorations.  I haven’t lost focus on this project but it’s just taking a little more time than anticipated due to obvious reasons.

And I promise to be back within the next 5 days with a fun baby shower project.  However, I can’t post it right now because my girlfriend, Kimber (who is due in 3 weeks), may see it and it’s for her baby shower.  Let’s hope it turns out as cute as I think it will!

Parenting........

Earlier today I was checking Facebook (shocking, I know) and a friend of mine (Sarah Meyer….adorable little thing I met when I was going to UW Tacoma) posted the cutest sign and said something like ‘if you haven’t checked out Pink Marmalade then you need to!’  Ok, so I do and that is when I found the most perfect sign EVER for Kennedy. 

Isn’t that awesome?  Everything listed on that sign is exactly what Chris and I try to teach her on a daily basis….even flush =) 

Before I had Kennedy I was the perfect parent and it all made sense to me.  I would be strict and our child would listen and be respectful all the time.  We would remove her from a situation if she threw a fit.  She would always say please and thank you.  She would never whine.  She would be happy all the time.  I would be patient and have endless amounts of calmness. Our child would eat veggies and not just lick the ranch off of her carrot sticks.  She would never drink juice because there is too much sugar in it.  She would be off the bottle the day of her 1^st birthday.  She would always be friendly and nice to her friends.  She would know how to share. She would go to bed at 8pm every night.  We wouldn’t let her watch TV everyday because we would always be playing a game or doing something educational.

Are you all laughing right now??  I am because WHAT A JOKE! 

And now let me be honest…..I truly thought that was all doable. 

However, now we have a 2 year old and all of my perfect parenting has gone out the door.  Now I wonder things like ‘If I take her to the store between 4 and 5 and bring a snack then will she  make it long enough for me to get half the things on my grocery list before demanding to get out of the cart and walk?’  And when I say ‘walk’, I mean quickly walking up and down the aisle touching every item while I’m pushing the enormous cart that has the kid car on the front and trying to keep calm and praying she doesn’t take down an entire shelf.  Relaxing, huh?!?!  Sometimes, at the end of the day it just isn’t worth the fight……and that is when Macaroni and Cheese saves the day and a trip to the store. Gee, I wonder why she doesn’t like veggies too often?!?!  <Insert Perfect Parenting sticker HERE>

Please don’t mistake this post for me complaining about being a Mom.  I love my daughter and I wouldn’t trade her for anything in the world.  90% of the time she makes me so happy that I want to cry happy tears and do this all over again but let me tell you something, that other 10% is a challenge to say the least.  I wonder on a daily basis if I’m doing the right things with and for Kennedy.  Am I showing her how to be a great person?  Am I demonstrating what it’s like to be that great person?  Most people don’t realize this and it took me a lot of years to figure it out but our children (and us for that matter) have learned to be who we are not by what has been SAID to us over the years by our parents and peers but by what we have SEEN over the years.  My mom has taught me so much (negatively and positively) without even speaking a word.  It’s crazy how powerful our demeanor and how we carry ourselves impacts and molds our own children.  Being a parent is easy, but being a good one is one of the hardest jobs I will ever do.  I’m up for the challenge but hope and pray that in 20 years I can say ‘I done good!’

So, back to why that sign really hit me:  When I see her sharing a toy with a friend I know I have done something right.  If she begins to sing the ‘clean up song’ when I ask her to pick things up, then I am doing something right.  When she asks to wash her hands before dinner, then I have done something right. When she grabs my hand as soon as we get out of the car and holds on for dear life, then I know I have done something right. When she hugs me and kisses me goodnight and says ‘I love you momma’, then I know I have done something right. 

It’s it funny how an innocent sign will trigger all of these thoughts? 

And she's back!!!!

As you have probably noticed, I have been MIA.  Although it was never my intention it just seemed to work out that way.  But looks like I’m back =)  Thanks for being so patient with me!!

You may be wondering how I’m doing with Chris’ departure being so close, so here is a little update:

For the next few weeks it’s going to be like the calm before a storm. Right now I’m very calm, but I think that is my way of preparing for what’s to come.  I have no idea what the storm looks like….but it’s around the corner.  I can see the clouds moving in and I can hear the wind and the rain but I just can’t see it yet. I have closed the blinds and the curtains so I can avoid it for as long as possible.  Inside my house it’s still calm and beautiful and I picture sunshine beyond my windows.

When I finally open my front door to see the damage I wonder what it will look like? Will it simply blow past me without me even knowing?  Will it just knock over a few trees and then be on its way?  Or will it turn into a hurricane and only touchdown on our house and turn everything upside down and inside out and leave me wondering how to pick up the pieces?  Will it decide to taunt me and just touch down every so often so that I’m always on my toes?  Or will it do whatever it needs to do and while all that is happening I board up the windows and doors and prove that I can weather this storm and that no matter how hard the rain falls or how fast the wind blows it will NOT destroy me??!  Yeah, I like that option the best!!

So right now I smile because my family is safe and we are all under the same roof. But soon you may not see me smile and that’s ok…it will just take a bit to get use to it being me and Kennedy so just hug me and love me through it and at the end I will be a better person and so will you.

And now that I have explained all that I want to show you a few things I have done to my office.  I SWEAR this beast is almost done.  At this point it’s just finishing touches but it feels like that is what is taking FOREVER and a day.  The biggest thing that needs to be done is to have a shelf hung above my desk and my hope is that this will be done within a week.  I love my husband but hanging things is not his strongest attribute so anyone want to hang something for me?!?!?  I pay in beer!

Anyway, here is the organizing shelf/table thingy we picked up at IKEA over the weekend.  Dude, look at all those storage bins?  They are just ASKING to be utilized and I can’t wait to find stuff to put in them. 

And look at the most adorable file folders you ever did lay your eyes on!  LOOK….they match the walls perfectly.  I mean seriously, how excited does that make me?!?!

And for my favorite:

I got the inspiration from www.jonesdesigncompany.com.  She had a sign similar to this one on her blog and I flipped when I saw it, but of course I had to make it my own.  Here is what the original looks like =)  And if you know me at all, you know I’m not a huge fan of coffee but I will take my shirt off for Chai!!!

And with that….I’m signing off to watch a movie with Chris on this fine Valentine’s Day.  Oh, what is that you ask?  What did I get Chris?  Oh, that’s right…..nothing!  I mean really, what do you get a guy headed to Iraq?  Bullets? Baby wipes? A tooth brush?  So we decided to do nothing =)  Um, but I’m not sure how I ended up with a 90 minute massage?!?! 

Patience and balance! Is it possible?

It’s been a while since my last post…sorry about that!

Operation wall paper paint AND chalkboard wall have been completed successfully!  Here are some pictures to show the progression.  WOW it was definitely a process.  I love the way it turned out….like LOVE it but if you were to ask me how many hours (yes hours) it took me, I would have to say somewhere between 15 and 20 and that is not exaggerating either.  Clearly you can understand why it took me a few weeks to get this done.  Although I would love this pattern on my 3 other walls but I have realized that I just don’t have the patience to stick with one project for THAT long…..so….here is what it looks like right now:

Just getting started......

On a Saturday morning Kennedy wanted to 'help'

I thought about stopping here and just doing a picture rail across the top......but HAD to keep going!

DONE...FINALLY!  Notice the gap on the right hand side?  The pattern ended up not matching so I will be putting a small picture rail to cover up the gap.  Thanks Shelley for the idea =)

And here is the completed chalkboard wall.  This will be the wall directly in front of my desk and will be decorated so it wont be so blah once it's completed.....but here is what it look likes now:

For some reason the color looks a little light in the middle of the wall but in real life it looks even =)  And so weird how this picture makes my office look like the size of a cracker jack box.  It's not....thank God!!

In addition to working on this project I started doing a few mini projects……because apparently I can’t handle having any downtime right now (more on that a little later).  I need to add some color to my office and what better color then PINK??  So I want to make this flower ball things but wanted them in more of a cone shape…..so here is what it looks like so far:



This was my inspiration but I didn't want the balls hanging from my ceiling so I went with a little different approach.



I went with a cone shape.  I'm thinking like 3 different sizes on the shelf that I will be adding above my desk.

Aren’t they adorbs? These are SO easy to make…just streamers, some super glue and either a styrofoam ball or cone or wreath.  To get the tutorial, visit http://www.houseofsmiths.blogspot.com/ and go to ‘tutorials’ and then scroll down (quite a ways) and you will see it listed.

Here is another lil sumpin sumpin I want to make with the cricut I just HAD to have a few months ago! Finally a productive project with that bad boy!!





But instead of it saying ‘coffee’ I will make it say ‘Chai’ because I hate coffee and love chai.  And Hi...turns out I LOVE blogs.....so this is basically the perfect picture!!  Finished product to come shortly =)

And now on to why I’m so obsessed with projects……..

While I was going through the last few weeks working on these projects I just figured I was finally motivated to get decorating and I was just enjoying my hobby. I also noticed that I’ve been pretty  calm cool and collected when asked about Chris’ deployment and how dramatically our life will be without Chris.  I just thought I was finally onboard and ready for the deployment but sitting back and looking back at my actions and laid back attitude…..it’s so very clear to me that I’m disconnecting from the situation.  Not good people…NOT GOOD!

I mean it’s not like I have been neglecting my normal responsibilities. We still have food in the house, dinner is still made (well, most nights anyway), we all still spend a lot of time together as a family, the dogs are fed, the laundry is done (thanks to Chris), the bills are paid, the house is cleaned (thanks to Cheryl), I still carry a full time job, get Kennedy to and from school, arrange play dates, make it to the gym (not everyday mind you)…….and somehow I have still made time to loss myself in projects.  Not only do I enjoy doing projects, but it’s not just a hobby….it’s also a way for me to escape from reality and gives me time to sort through my thoughts and get my game face on for the next day. But I’m starting to wonder if I’m diving in too deep to projects during the last several weeks that Chris is here?!?!?  I mean, why do I always have to have my game face on?  My fear is that I'm pushing away my feelings and one day it will all come crashing down on me!  I'm just so focused on doing everything 'right' that I think I'm disconnecting in order to maintain functionality in all aspects of my life.  Ugh....life can be so draining sometimes.

So folks….I’ve gotta find some balance.  And let me ask you something – why is balance so hard to obtain?  It’s like we are normally all into something are all out of something but being right in the middle where everything is balanced almost seems impossible to accomplish. 

And with that……I’m off to spend some much needed quality time with the hubs =)  Night night friends.

Countdown begins.....again

The countdown for Chris to leave has begun in my head…..for the second time.  Originally he was suppose to leave a few weeks ago but his orders were moved around and he is here for a while longer, which I’m more than thrilled about.  The only downfall to that is I have to go through the countdown all over again and judging on how I was doing last time…..um, I see tears and feeling overwhelmed just around the corner but I’m trying to be logical about everything and just take one day at a time.  

Something you should know about me…..I worry about the ‘what ifs’ and the ‘how do I’s’.  For example: What if Kennedy is sick and I have to take several days off work? What if I’m not able to manage everything on my own? What if I fall apart? Or…..How will I fit all of my daily activities into each day without help? How will I fit going to the gym in? How will I make sure that I’m giving Kennedy the amount of love and attention she needs? How do I stay balanced enough to juggle our lives for more than a year? 

And after I read what I just wrote I automatically start to feel overwhelmed and wonder ‘How can I do this?’  But because I’m feeling logical today <wink> I can tell myself to not worry about all of that and that everything will fall into place.  I can tell myself that I will get through this year fine and that Kennedy and I will adjust.  I can tell myself that there is nothing to worry about and that I will fit everything in…it may not be grace but I will make it all happen.  HOWEVER, catch me on a day where I’m feeling emotional and all bets are off!!!  So friends, you will never know which Mel you are going to get on any given day…..logical or emotional.  I will strive to be logical but I can’t make any promises.  I’m human and I wear my emotions on my sleeve….I have since I was a kid and I’ve tried to change it and it just doesn’t work =)

So………when Chris’ original date was set for January I decided to send out an email to just a handful of people explaining where I was and how they could help me through this transition since most of my friends were asking ‘How can I help?’.  My thought was that I didn’t want to send it out to the masses because I just wasn’t ready to say all those words and make the deployment a reality.  It’s funny how you can force yourself to believe something isn’t going to happen if you filter who you share the information with.  I thought ‘If I tell too many people then it will truly be real!’  But DUH it is real and it is happening so why filter my thoughts?!?

I have since decided to post that email in my blog because you are all part of my life.  We may not talk every day, we may only share comments on Facebook, we may have not have seen each other in years OR I may see you all the time and you are wondering how I’m dealing with everything……so here goes nothing kids.

As you all know Chris and I have been preparing for his upcoming deployment and many of you have asked how you can support our family through this transition so I thought it would be helpful to send an email about where my head is at and how you can all support me.  

Great idea, right? 

Well as I thought more and more about it I figured out that I have no clue how you can best support me because this is the first time he is deploying since we have been married and it’s the first time a child has been involved.   I have gone over this 100 times in my head and I keep asking myself ‘How do I prepare for this? How do I allow everyone around me to help me but not feel like a huge burden? How do I show up every day with a good attitude? How do I show Kennedy that Mom is ok? How do I make sure she remembers her Daddy? How do I keep them connected? How do we stay connected? How, how, how?!?!’  And I’m at a loss……

Super helpful, right?

One thing that I do know is that I have the greatest friends a girl could ask for and because of that I already feel supported.  It’s important for me that life goes on just as it would if Chris was here.  Chris would want it that way and Kennedy and I will need it that way.  It’s ok for you to ask me questions…I’m an open book….really, I am. You are more than welcome to talk to Kennedy about her Daddy….please feel free to bring him into any conversation, as she needs to hear about him.  Be prepared for me to cry at random times and to not cry at the moments you think I will cry…..I’m nutty like that.  If I do cry….it’s ok for you to cry too.  I like hugs….so give them whenever you want.  I also like Starbucks….scratch that….I love Starbucks.  Sometimes I like the silence so if we are visiting and I’m quiet, please know it’s not because I’m mad or don’t want to be with you…..it’s because I want to be with you but just don’t feel like speaking……sometimes just having someone in the room is all I will need. Sometimes I will down play Chris being gone and pretend like it’s no biggie…..just go with it….it’s me trying to be strong =) At times I may not be able to see past my world…..gently and lovingly bring me back to reality. Sometimes I will ask if you want to hang out and you won’t be able to….that is OK….remember, life as usual…..treat me the same as you would if Chris was home! Do not feel like you can’t tell me about your life and what is going on in it….I want to hear about everything…..my life is not worse or better than yours….it’s the same just different =) If you need me to watch your kids….just call….I enjoy all of your kids and would be honored to have them over for some play time with Kennedy.  If you get upset with me for something…..respectfully call me out on it….we are friends right? 

Do you see the pattern???  Life and friendships as usual.

Apparently I do know a few things that would help us =)

Something that most of you know is that I’m not a very religious person, but I do believe in God (this may not make sense to you and that is ok).  I do believe in the power of prayer to whoever or whatever you like to call your God.  I ask that you send as many prayers, words of intent, positive energies or simple statements on behalf of Chris while he is away.  I don’t care what he does while he is gone, I don’t care where he goes, I don’t care if this experience changes him for the rest of his life……what I do care about is that he makes it home on the same two feet that got him out there. I pray his soul is not forever changed and I pray he will come home unharmed and outwardly the same wonderful guy that I married.

The only thing I will ask that you not do is call me to tell me about some explosion or disaster that has happened in Iraq.  I do not watch the news for a reason and trust me, if something happens to Chris I will be notified within 4 hours.  More than likely I will know before the news…….so…..let’s all agree to not discuss what we see on the news with this girl =)

Just by posting this email I feel better about where I am in this process.  I truly feel that this blog is going to be my outlet and I’m thrilled to have it and thrilled that you are all so supportive.  Seriously, how did I end up this blessed?

Oh and here some pictures so you can all match a face with the name of the hubs!!  Also, I think it's nice to see us together as a family.  Mind you we dont have many pictures because Chris works A LOT so most of the pictures I have are of me and Kennedy...but here are a few =)

Engagement picture.  Small doggie is Mugsy. Big doggie is Daisy.

Picture taken at a BBQ right after we bought our 2nd house.  He had just gotten off work.....clearly.

New Years Eve 07......not sober.

Visit to Chicago to hang with our friends Larry and Tamara, who we met on our honeymoon and are still friends with to this day!

Not such a great pic of kennedy...but hey we are all together =)

I think this was taken on our 4th wedding anniversary....just last November.

Chris and Kennedy at a bday party

Layla Grace Foundation

This posting is hard for me to write because I don’t know where to start first.  So I’m just going to start…….bare will me if I’m all over the place =)

Last year on March 9^th when I logged into my Facebook page I was just looking for random friend updates, maybe a few wall posts and a friend request or two.  However, as I was scrolling through my updates I came across a link that one of my friends had posted.  I can’t remember the exact words from the link but something about it made me click on it to see what it was all about.  At that moment I had no idea that a little girl named Layla Grace would change the way I thought and would help me put life into perspective almost on a daily basis.

This is what I learned that day……

A little girl named Layla Grace who was 17 months old had passed away from Stage 4 Neuroblastoma, which is a rare form of cancer typically found in infants and toddlers.  At the time I read this my daughter was 15 months old so I was immediately drawn to the story simply because I had a little girl nearly the same age as Layla and all in one second I thought ‘that could have easily been us!’  I guess you just don’t think about that stuff when you have a child.  I mean you want them to be happy and healthy but you really never think of cancer in children, at least I never did.  To me cancer happens to older people since that is how I have been exposed to the horrible illness.

Anyway at some point during Layla’s journey her parents, Ryan and Shanna created a blog and a twitter account in an effort to document everything and to keep friends and family updated.  Slowly the story was everywhere and they had  over 40,000 followers and both Ryan and Shanna were featured on news shows and various radio shows to talk about Layla. Although I didn’t know about Layla until the day she passed away I quickly fell in love with this family and sat down one night and read their entire blog.  Needless to say I sobbed through most of it.  At one point I put down the computer, went into Kennedys room, pulled her out of her crib and just held her and thanked God that I had her and that she was healthy. And honestly I still do this every now and again because at certain moments I just need her in my arms and I need to smell her and feel her breath on my neck and kiss those sweet lips and simply cry because I am so blessed.  I swear it’s when they are sleeping that you realize how lucky you are to have them in your lives.  However, when they are screaming at you ‘NO MOMMY’ in the middle of top foods because you won’t let them old the EGGS I’m not really feeling ‘blessed’ if ya know what I mean. 

After Layla passed Ryan and Shanna decided to turn this horrible journey and heartbreaking ending into a positive by creating the Layla Grace Foundation.  Their website is fabulous….besides the fact that it’s about childhood cancer.  They have amazing articles, stories of different types of treatments, things to expect, various fundraising opportunities and so much more.  I still find myself looking at their website several times a week just to see what they are up to.  And although I’m not able to contribute to their fundraising and I’m not able to help out at different events since they aren’t local, I can still try to spread awareness of what they are accomplishing.  Please feel free to visit their site at http://www.laylagrace.org/ or click on their logo on the right hand side of my blog and you will be directed to the official site…..it’s simply amazing and inspiring!!

Today, almost 1 year later I still have a picture of Layla in my office. 

Her sweet face reminds me not to take moments with Kennedy for granted because other parents, like the Marsh’s don’t have that option anymore. The Marsh’s don’t get to trip over Layla’s toys as they are walking through their house.  They don’t get to fold her tiny little laundry anymore. They don’t find her favorite books in the middle of the hallway anymore.  So last week when I was annoyed about prying off Kenney’s play doh from the bathroom wall that left a pink stain I remembered ‘this is a memory….ENJOY IT because some parents don’t get these memories anymore!’ 

Layla has touched my life very deeply and I can honestly say I have been changed since being introduced to her and her family.  I keep tossing the idea around of another tattoo and I keep going back to the word ‘Grace’.  Not just because it would remind me to try to live my life gracefully (because let me tell you I need some serious reminding in this department) but it would also remind me to stay in the moment and be thankful for the beautiful and healthy daughter I have (which on some days I REALLY need the reminder).

Note: I have tried to tell this story exactly the way it has been explained on their blog so I do apologize if I got anything turned around or out of order.

Paint and Flowers!!

First of all – THANK YOU SO MUCH for reading my blog.  You have no idea how much it means to me that I have a few followers and even some comments. Keep them coming because I absolutely love hearing what people have to say.  Even if I don’t know you very well or we have just met I still love getting comments =)

As you know, I have been diligently painting one of the walls in my office with the most awesomest (yup, a word) pattern.  Mind you it has taken me hours and hours to do this and I’m barely half way done with ONE wall.  And here’s the kicker…..the wall isn’t even a full wall since it has a huge window in the middle.  Um, turns out I don’t think I will be painting this pattern on any other wall EVER so now I’m left with ‘what in the hell do I do with the other 2 walls?’ (Remember,  the 4^th wall will be a chalk board). As you can see I have very hard decision to make <wink>.  Here is what I have accomplished so far:

Seeeeeee…..I got lots more to finish.  AND I need to organize.  Since I took everything out and tossed most of the crap I had I need to figure out where to put shelves and how to organize all the randomness that makes up this room.  I also think I need a cool rug and definitely a new chair!  My husband came in here a few days ago and sat down in it and said ‘Um we need to get you a new chair…..this thing is like sitting on steel!’  At that moment I realized I have had this thing for 5 years so yeah, I’d say I need a new one.  Any suggestions on good ones?  Oh and it has to be ‘pretty’! 

Oh, and the other day I was at my second home (A.K.A. Target) and I found this super cute cotton/sweatshirt jacket thingy for Kennedy but I refused to buy it in pink because her wardrobe looks like the Pepto factory puked all over it and if I pull one more pair of pink pants or a shirt out of the dryer I’m going to die.  So I grabbed the blue and figured I could make it a bit more girlie……and I did!!

See….totally boring with nothing cute on it:

And here are 3 different flowers I made for it.  Um, my camera sucks for up close since it’s just a point and shoot so I added an extra picture so you could see the flowers up a little closer than what I could capture in the jacket pictures.  Bare with me…..I’m currently dropping hints all of the place that I want/need a new camera.  For example, Chris: Hey honey, how was your day?  Me: Awesome but I need a new camera!  Chris: Can you grab me some milk for Kennedy? Me: Can you grab me a new camera?  Chris: I need to get up at 6:20am.  Me: I need a new camera.  I wonder if these hints will help?!?!

Mind you I have no idea how long these flowers will stay on the jacket before Kennedy says ‘No Mommy’ and tries to pull it off and subsequently rips the jacket and all my hopes and dreams are shattered for making her a cute jacket.

Note: To see where I got these great ideas, just visit www.jonesdesigncompany.com